My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I came so hard my ears popped.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
