Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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