How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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