listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
