Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
