he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
We talked him into tasing himself.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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