I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
