I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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