First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
