Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
