Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
