I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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