Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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