I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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