I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
after that, he'll be sure to remember me. i'll probably forget him, but that's the way it should be.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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