My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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