Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
I need a beard to bite.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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