Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
