I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
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