I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
