you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.
Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
