the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
