either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
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