awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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