Swine flu. Run for my life!
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Dicks are not precious.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Listen I don't care what it's called as long as it's drugs
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
