im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
my only goal for the semester is never go to my wednesday class sober
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
Randomize
