Kiss
Puke
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
That's what you get for fucking someone nicknamed "wiggle worm"
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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