I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
