I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
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