I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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