Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
