fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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