She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
