The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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