I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
