Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
