My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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