i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
