maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
it's not cheating when I paid for it
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
