I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
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