I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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