He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
