How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
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