you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
