Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Randomize
