Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
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