Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I cockslap morals
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
