i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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