I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Did I show you my penis last night?
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
