Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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