She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
